


Takeaway

by jc_lewis



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angst and Romance, Bromance, F/M, First Love, Ratings: R, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23641702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jc_lewis/pseuds/jc_lewis
Summary: At the Junior Matsuri festival on August 8th, SixTONES announced their debut and at the celebratory party, a game of truth or dare caused two old friends to reconnect. When Shintaro dared Jesse to call someone, they didn’t expect a young woman to pick up. Moreover, Jesse's bandmates doesn't know that there is history, tension, and unresolved business between the two.
Relationships: Jesse Lewis/OC
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Been agonizing over finishing this story that started out as a simple one-shot idea, which then grew in a multi-chapter ordeal with a full epilogue (to come, I promise because I'm actually excited to write the Epilogue). Posting the story mostly finished to get some feelers out there.
> 
> The story was inspired by a few songs, but mainly “Takeaway” by The Chainsmokers hence the story title. I also haven’t written an OC in ages, so hopefully she isn’t too cringe (I’m a little nervous about posting this, only because SixTONES fics don’t tend to use OCs a lot). Pace is a little slow, story is a little mundane, but I'm mostly doing this to self-indulge so ha! Oh well...
> 
> I am also incredibly verbose so excuse my verbal vomit. Enjoy!

“Everyone, we have something to tell you.” As soon as the last syllable dropped, screams ensued.

Every one of the fifteen boys on stage wore a serious face, both nervous and uneasy. The lights in the arena dimmed and every person in there seemed to have their hearts held up by a thin string.

Words slammed onto the monitor one by one. Everyone held their breaths.

Then there it was. The unending screams of fifteen thousand people, some of pure happiness, others of bitter despair, drowned the whole venue. It felt surreal to all fifteen boys. Even though they knew and it was not a surprise, they said it out loud for the first time. And saying it out loud made it real – not as real as when January 22, 2020 comes – but for now it was their only solace for the sweat, blood, and tears of a decade.

“Please treat us well and support us.” Jesse was the first to collect himself and from the bottom of his heart felt grateful this day was finally here.

The familiar melody of their collaboration song dropped, “ _Despair! Exceed!_ ” Hokuto bellowed the song lyrics. 

It was business as usual after arguably the biggest day of their lives. Adrenaline would not calm, pulsing throughout their bodies as they repeatedly tell themselves they’re debuting – they’re finally debuting.

When the show was over, the six boys from SixTONES decided that a celebration was in order.

“I think we need to pop a champagne!” Kyomo suggested.

“While I agree,” Juri chimed in, “I do think Kyomo’s taste in champagne is probably too expensive for my wallet.”

Everyone nodded in unison, and to that point, they decided maybe instead they could pick up beer and liquor instead. While celebrating in the Kyomoto mansion would be nice, being around Taiga’s dad would be too much pressure. Hokuto’s apartment was the nicest. But everyone also agreed that they were also terrified to get murdered over a crumb on Matsumura Hokuto’s carpet.


	2. Chapter 2

In the end, the celebratory gathering was hosted at Jesse’s apartment. It was a fine compromise between Kyomo and Hokuto, as Jesse usually was, the compromise between Kyomo and Hokuto.

Despite their constant chaotic chattering on camera, the people they were while the cameras were off were not nearly as high energy. In fact, after a long day of singing and dancing, the gathering started off rather mellow. The alcohol’s relaxing effect began to kick in, and as that happened – the debut news began to settle as well. Not only was everyone wrapping their heads around what was to happen next from here for the next five months, they were also reflecting on the last decade they spent as a junior.

Small talk scattered here and there. Everyone drank quietly. Seeing this, Shintaro suggested a drinking game – truth or dare.

“Just a heads up – no homo – I am not kissing any of you. That will not be a valid dare.” Hokuto disclaimed, in his usual pretense of detest, even though in reality he was clingier than anyone here.

“Wait, why is that the first thing you think of?” Kochi nudged Hokuto, “Is there someone you think wants to kiss you here?”

“Yeah, you.” He replied sarcastically.

“That’s a great idea!” Jesse happily exclaimed, “Rock paper scissors. Loser goes first.”

It took two rounds of rock paper scissors to decide losers, and as more empty bottles littered the floor, the rowdier the boys slowly became. It wasn’t long before Jesse’s roar of a laugh could be heard and Kochi was tying people up as part of sick punishments for chickening out of dares.

“Okay Jesse. You’re up.” Shintaro slid the balcony door close behind him, as he returned from his dare. Juri dared Shintaro to scream the most childish thing he could think of and as loud as he could from Jesse’s balcony.

“Wait – are we gonna “ Jesse tried to contain his laughter, “are we going to talk about his yelling “I love boobies!”

Then he broke, “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” Upon Jesse bursting into laughter, the rest of the boys caught onto his contagious laughter as well.

Sparing a breath, Juri agreed “Yeah man. That’s weak. Go pour yourself a shot.”

“Wait I’ll redeem myself.” Shintaro protested, “What if I come up with a juicy dare?”

Everyone stopped and considered for a moment, ultimately deciding to give Shintaro a chance.

“Okay.” He rallies up the suspense, “Jesse, I dare you to call the person at the very bottom of your contact list and improvise.”

Forgetting about Shintaro redeeming himself, the thought of calling one of Jesse’s three hundred contacts which included big _senpais_ and esteemed musicians, comedians, and actors made the rest of SixTONES extremely nervous. Especially since they are all less than sober.

“No, no, no” Juri is terrified of that thought, “ _Bad Idea.”_ Perhaps he’s the most sober one, simply because he can outdrink the whole group despite his skinny build.

“ _Icchau!”_ Hokuto yells out of nowhere, whilst doing their signature Mr. Zudon let’s go move. It only took a split second for the other boys to get riled up and do the same thing. Usually when it has reached this point it was way beyond Juri’s control.

As the person in question, Jesse was more than willing to participate, despite not knowing who was actually at the bottom of his contact list.

“Okay I’m doing it!” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and prances around with it on display in his hands like the show girls on the home shopping television channels.

Jesse unlocked his phone. All five boys gather around to watch him scroll to the bottom of his contact list. After a few silent moments of scrolling, they reach the bottom. One contact stands out from the rest.

“Who’s that?” Kyomo broke the silence.

The group gathered around the phone disperses back to their original spots, confused.

“Is it a celebrity we know?” Kochi asked

Jesse continued to stare at the contact listing on his phone and his heart sank to the bottom of his stomach when he realized belatedly that it is exactly who he thinks it is.

Hokuto noticed the look on Jesse’s face; one of realization that is too serious for this cheerful atmosphere, “ _Is_ it a celebrity?” He asked the important question.

“No.”

Sinking into a deeper confusion, the boys were now more curious than ever to know if they were going through with this dare. Jesse picked up his glass and chugged it bottoms up and before pressing the dial button.

_Perhaps she won’t even pick up._

The boys sat close to each other, in a small circle with Jesse leg-spread holding his phone out on speaker towards the middle of the circle. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath when they were three dials in and no answer. A fun dare turned into a suspenseful situation and everyone is confused, yet curious.

A shuffling static and the other end picks up.

“Hello? Je…sse?” A young woman’s voice.

Juri covered Kyomo’s mouth to prevent him from blurting out words. Kochi and Hokuto looked at each other and Shintaro was still digesting the situation.

“Haha…ha” Jesse laughed nervously. More shocking than a young female voice was that the owner of said voice made Jesse nervous in a way the members haven’t seen in years.

“How have you been doing?” He continued, a tinge of drunken nostalgia in his voice.

“I’m pretty good,” If she was as pretty as her voice, the boys had accidentally dug up something they never should have.

“It’s…uh, been a while huh?” He scratched his head even though she couldn’t see him, “Listen – I’m sorry to call you all of a sudden.” Everyone is listening quietly, but also imagining every type of scenario in their head.

_Ex-girlfriend?_

_High school crush?_

_Affair?!_

There is silence on both ends of the phone, and it was fair to say everyone involved felt the painful awkwardness.

“I’m going ba-“ “I’m deb-“ Uncoordinated, they stumble over each other’s sentences.

Jesse stopped and let her talk first, “I’ll be in Japan next week. Do you…want to get coffee?”

“Yeah” Jesse replied right away, then hesitated, “Let me get back to you. I – uh, need to check my schedule.” Watching Jesse fumble over words was more amusing to the five boys than anything else.

“That’s fine. Just let me know, okay?” Her voice was gentler than he remembered. She used to be more feisty, rowdy just like him.

“Hey.” He began again and took the phone off of speaker, “I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.”

“Me too.”

In the span of a few minutes, the boys suddenly had a whole story to unpack. Naturally, they abandoned the game in favor of the gossip that just unfolded in front of their faces.

“Pour the drinks, pour the drinks!” Juri excitedly gathered everyone and made sure they all had drinks before the interrogation began.

“What. Was. That.” Shintaro was still awed by Jesse’s mysterious female “friend”.

“Do I smell _bunshun_ scandal?” Juri joked.

“No, that’s _you_ if you don’t clean up soon. _”_ Hokuto turned to Juri and corrected him, with a deadpan look on his face.

“Ouch.”

* * *

“Me too.” Leaning against the door in an empty conference room, Sara took the phone off of her ear and watched the other end cut off on her phone screen. The name dimmed and then so did her phone, yet she froze in place. She wasn’t sure what to make of what just happened.

It was nine o’ clock in the morning, and she had arrived in the office before anyone else. The staccato of her heels clicked against the glossy office floor as she walked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

A cup of iced coffee in hand, Sara walked back to the conference room, locked the conference room door and sat down at the table to clear her head. Why did Jesse call her? What does that mean? She kicked her shoes off and ran her hand through her silky black hair, slouching in the conference room chair and took a deep breath. All the memories came rushing back and the rush of adrenaline wouldn’t calm, not even with the bitterness of her iced coffee.

Life was full of strange coincidences. As the only Japanese-American in the company, of course she was named project lead and sent to Japan for their new client. She immediately thought of Jesse and two days later he called her after so many years.

She wondered if he was as tall as she remembered, if the corners of his eyes still creased the same way when he laughed really hard, and if he still gets shy when a stranger compliment his looks like they always do. Sara smiled and pulled a faded pink _omamori_ from behind her work badge holder. It had a white bow, now yellow from age and a faded image of yellow flowers printed on the pouch. She wondered if Jesse still carried his with him. All the thought of Jesse made her smile; those were the free days of their youth.

Sara remembered the last time she saw Jesse, that night in the winter of 2014. She wished it was snowing like it does in New York, but it doesn’t snow in the winter in Las Vegas.

All these years she thought she had erased him cleanly. All it took was one phone call.

_I better collect myself before I get on that plane to Japan_.

Sara wondered if he hadn’t called, if she would’ve had the courage to seek him out when she was in Japan. She wondered if her self-control would have been enough to dissuade her from seeing him.

She drank the last sip of her coffee and slipped her shoes back on. Sometime Jack was what she used to call him; his father gave him that nickname. Jesse hated it. But anything Jesse hated was an opportunity for Sara to annoy him. She claimed it was her privilege because she was older by a year and four months. He would call her Setsuko in return; that was her Japanese name that no one called her by – and she hated it.

_Jack, how did you know that I miss you, too?_


	3. Chapter 3

That night, the members attempted to identify the mysterious woman Jesse called, but only for him to shrug it off as an old friend from his hometown in America. Since they were not in the business of prying into each other’s’ private lives, everyone continued to drink and play games as though it didn’t happen.

The next few days are strange, as everyone visibly saw Jesse’s emotions written all over his face. This was surprising – he wasn’t the type to radiate whatever energy he was feeling. And because of that, everyone was afraid to ask what was bothering their own ray of sunshine.

It was early that morning, and the dressing room was sparse as members were rotated in and out of photo shoots. The tall red-haired boy began to remove his accessories one by one in the dressing room that was only him. In-between work and being invited to multiple celebratory dinners, Jesse was plenty busy these days – yet in-between - during the small moments like these, glimpses of Sara would pop into his mind and he would catch his heart skipping a beat. There was a surreal excitement to seeing her; he was embarrassed to be constantly reminded of this mild excitement that boiled to the surface once a while.

Jesse let out a long sigh. He wondered if she would still laugh every time he did his Donald Duck impersonation, if she was still afraid of the dark, and if her eyes still sparkle every time she talked about moving to her favorite city one day. He caught himself smiling from reminiscing. Sara was the reason why he always looked forward to visiting a hometown which he had no connection to every winter.

Dressed down to a plain t-shirt and a pair of trousers, Jesse picked up a bottle of water and slouched onto the couch. He uncapped the bottle of water, only to put it back on. And he repeated the same motion. For an expressive person, Jesse was struggling to express his emotions in words.

He reached into his back pocket, pulled out his phone, and behind his phone case was an _omamori_. The stitching wore over the years, but the color remained a vibrant red with white printed flowers.

“What’s that?” Juri slid the door close behind him as he walks in after finishing his photoshoot.

Jesse looked up to find Juri sitting next to him, “It’s just – something I’ve carried around for a few years.”

“You’re being weird,” He took the water bottle from Jesse and takes a sip from it, “This is about a woman, isn’t it?”

He couldn’t say he was surprised that Tanaka Juri is the first one to notice his inner turmoil over this bizarre situation he put himself in. He was constantly torn between the excitement of meeting an old friend and an unsettling feeling of desire.

“You know – I just”

“Not sure how to feel about the fact that you called that girl?” Juri finished his sentence.

He sighed again. Juri was right.

“Her name is Sara.” Jesse came clean, “And she’s just…special to me.”

Juri was listening intently. For some reason he was always the most concerned whenever it came to Jesse’s problems. Perhaps he felt responsible for Jesse’s problems, the same way he knew Jesse felt responsible for Hokuto’s struggles.

“We were really good friends.” He continued, “So I’m happy that she’s doing well….”

“So why are you struggling?” Juri asked.

“I…am afraid.” He uttered, when he came to this realization himself, “Am I crazy?”

“I have no context, but crazy is relative,” Juri began, “You’re only crazy if you put your career at jeopardy – and if you do that, none of us will forgive you.” Juri said these heavy words so naturally, but with an immense sense of responsibility. He set the water bottle down on the floor next to Jesse and walked over to his bag to begin to change into his own clothes.

Jesse understood Juri’s words better than anyone else, and he wouldn’t forgive himself if he put the collective well-being of the group at risk. Perhaps there was a risk there that wasn’t worth taking.

“But you know” Juri pulled on his white t-shirt, “Sometimes you need to trust your guts. Have fun.” He chuckled, “Safely, of course.”

After changing he gave Jesse a pat on the back on his way out to the join the others. Juri trusted Jesse, always. On a whim, Jesse picked up his phone and texted Sara.

_“Let’s get a drink on Friday. I’ll text you the spot.”_

_“Sure.”_

Jesse tucked his phone away. He felt good about his decision – and all along perhaps, that was what he wanted to do. Like a moth to a flame.

* * *

“ Miss Kiyomizu? ” The hotel receptionist smiled politely and with a small bow, she handed Sara her hotel key, “Please enjoy your stay.”

Sara, with a delayed reaction to the Japanese language, bowed back and received the key with both hands. She brushed a lock of her long black hair out of her face, grabbed her luggage, and immediately headed toward her hotel room. After a long 14 hours on the plane in addition to jetlag, all she wanted to do was to take a hot shower and crawl into a bed.

And that was exactly what Sara did. With a towel wrapped around her slender body after showering, she fell onto the bed, buried her face in the pillow and took one long deep breath.

Showering made her more awake than ever, and different thoughts wandered her mind.

Clad in a silk robe and a glass of wine in hand, Sara stood by the tall glass window. She saw the streetlights of Tokyo – they were bright, but not nearly as glamorous as Manhattan.

Once again, Sara was in the same city as Jesse, her dear friend. She reminisces on the days where they carelessly ran around his grandma’s neighborhood every winter when he would visit. Those felt like short-lived days, before they were forced to grow up.

Since landing, she had been searching for signs of him on billboards and on the radio during her taxi ride. She wasn’t sure what to expect. They had been out of touch for so long, but also because he always refused to tell her any details regarding his career in Japan.

“The more I talk about it, the more false hope I’ll give myself that I’ll make it big.” Jesse used to tell Sara, which broke her heart every time because he always tried to hide his dejection every time he said it.

With that, he always made her promise to not follow his work. He always jokingly said she was too American to understand, and she always rolled her eyes and would sarcastically remark that Jesse was so Japanese, his Caucasian blood was on the verge of disowning him. She was never particularly offended because she knew that too often and in too many situations, Jesse was the foreigner, despite his overwhelmingly Asian looks. With his personality, of course it is written off as a joke. Too few people knew it actually bothers him, more than they think.

Of course, she’s kept this promise over the years.

“As long as you’re happy.” Sara smiled, as she thought about seeing him after work the next day. Would he be exactly how she remembered him? Was he still the bright boy who could do a Donald Duck impersonation and would not stop talking about how great Jim Carrey is?

She set her wine glass down and sat in front of her computer to work on the PowerPoint she needed to deliver the following morning. Her workaholic tendencies urged her to work despite the long hours of travel. Sara thought about how excited Jesse would be for her, when she could tell him that she finally realized her goal of living in the city of her dreams. She wanted him to be happy for her, almost too much.

Was expectation truly the root of all heartaches?


	4. Chapter 4

The August summer night smelled of the storm that had just barely passed, clearing up the sticky humidity from the day time. A tall boy clad in a black cap with red hair tucked underneath and his face hidden behind a blue surgical mask stood at the street intersection, barren of people at two in the morning. He wore a denim jacket over a black band tee and skinny jeans the same color. A gold penchant hung from his neck.

When the light turned green, he quickly crossed the street. He looked around, paranoid of anyone recognizing him despite the mask and cap. Jesse was not a high-key public figure, but his stature often made it harder to hide.

Upon leaving that night, Juri gave him the advice to act as normal as possible, and that advice came from experience. He could feel his palms become a bit sweaty and cursed his active sweat glands. 

When he reached the entrance of the restaurant which doubled as a bar as night, Jesse walked in and straight to the back. Rumor has it, every proper celebrity needs a close friend who owned an entertainment establishment. Upon Juri’s recommendation, Jesse made a new friend who was the restaurant owner.

The room in the back was thoroughly private, tucked behind the bar and marked off as employee only. He slid open the Japanese-style door and saw a figure he wasn’t sure he would see again in his life.

Catching a glimpse of Jesse in the reflection of the glass on the wall, Sara smiled and turned around, “There you are.” His pathetic heart still skipped half a beat.

Her long dark hair was curled into loose tousles and tucked behind her ear neatly. She was wearing a clean silky white blouse, blue jeans, and a small pearl penchant tangled from her neck. Her nude flats were placed neatly by the door. Jesse stole a quick glance at her hand for a ring. He wasn’t sure why he did that, but the absence of one led him to feel better.

His awestricken face quickly broke into a bright smile, “Sara!” He pulled down his mask and opened his arms for a good American-style hug.

Sara reciprocated the same feeling as she got up and hugged him back. She was in the arms of Jesse Lewis again. He was taller than she remembered; she shut her eyes. The Jesse that Sara knew didn’t wear cologne, he smelled of his mother’s detergent, but the one in front of her right now smelled of warm coffee, citrus, and lavender.

Jesse rests his chin on her head, assured that she still fit so perfectly in his arms. Sara’s shampoo smelled like strawberry and vanilla; a sweet scent that was unlike her but comforted him and stirred the butterfly in his stomach.

“It’s been so long, Jes!” She pulled away first and looked up at him, her round almond eyes glistened with excitement, “We have so much to catch up on!”

He saw the spark in her eyes and nodded. Jesse remembered those long winter nights they would spend on Sara’s family porch in Las Vegas, talking about nothing at all, but about everything in this world. Perhaps all 16-year-olds were full of dreams.

“Sorry I’m late.” Jesse apologized as he took a seat across from Sara. He saw her half-empty glass and assumed that she had been waiting for long.

“That means you owe me a drink. That’s how Americans do it.” Sara joked. In a way she was relieved that the air was not tense between them.

He chuckled, “We’re in Japan. We do it the Japanese way.” Jesse ordered a bottle of sake.

When Jesse laughed, Sara saw hints of the teenage boy she knew him to be. She took a good look at the man sitting across from her. His features were more defined, his eyes were deeper and more confident yet his boyish charms didn’t seem to fade.

When the sake arrived, Jesse pours her a small glass and they took a sip in honor of their reunion.

“So what are you doing nowadays?”

“I’m a senior designer for an advertising firm,” Sara explained, “I ended up studying business and art in college.” It occurred to her that they hadn’t talked, all throughout her college years when she was too busy dating her tool of an ex-boyfriend.

Jesse nodded along, “That’s great! I knew you were going to be a successful career woman.” He said half-jokingly. Sara was always confident; she knew what she wanted and what she stood for. In a way, she was a natural leader.

“I moved to New York City.” The city that never sleeps was her dream ever since she saw it as a ten-year old.

“Cheers.” He raised his glass, genuinely happy for his old friend.

“How….uh-“ Sara didn’t want to pry. Success as a singer was delicate topic, “Are you still singing?”

“I’m debuting. Next year in January.” His face beamed with happiness.

The two old friends were genuinely happy that both of them were in a place in life where all their aspirations came true. All those late-night talks were not pipe dreams after all. The two thrived in each other’s company, where they found the reason why they once thought they were meant to be. There was a strange sense of familiarity, laced with an ambitious desire to advance further, flirtatious under the surface. From asking about each other’s family to cracking old inside jokes, they reminisce on the stupid little adventures they used to embark together where they were constantly saving each other’s asses.

In-between the updates, they both knew deep down inside they couldn’t avoid the elephant in the room. As teenagers, Sara slightly later than Jesse, grew fond of each other in a way that became romantic.

“I missed you.” A few drinks in, Sara finally admitted. She thought she sorted out her emotions on the plane, but none of it mattered the moment she saw his face, “And it didn’t matter how many years it’s been – I still think about that winter night at home.”

Jesse hesitated for a moment and then smiled, with a hint of bitterness, “Don’t be ridiculous, Sara. We can’t afford to miss each other.” He was buzzed on alcohol and emotion, but managed to be rational, “We were too young, we were just kids…” His voice trailed off.

He felt a nostalgic sadness wash over; maybe it was the alcohol. Jesse still remembered the day he considers his love at first sight, and it was so cheesy he would never admit it to a soul.

The two families were friends and it was at a wedding their families attended. Even though he’s known her since he was ten, that day he remembered Sara as the most beautiful girl he had seen in his 14 years alive. She wore a light-blue long sleeve dress with a slight v-neckline. It was silky, satin smooth like her pale Asian skin. Her hair was tossed up in an effortless updo and she wore her mother’s favorite butterfly hair pin. When she ran over and pulled him by the arm to go sit at her table, Jesse felt his ears get warm and red. She smiled at him, and he knew he was doomed. Her jasmine fragrance made his fingers curl, and it was like a spell was casted onto the teenage boy.

He was unsure how he didn’t see it before, but he blamed his hormones as a 14-year old.

Sara looked down and with her finger she traced the rim of her glass, “You’re right, Jes.” Her smile was bittersweet, “That’s why we made a pact back then, that to protect our dreams there was no way we could ever work out.”

“Nothing’s changed.” There was sadness in Jesse’s voice, “We were just two young, dumb kids.” He repeated.

She didn’t want to ruin the mood, especially on such a happy night of reunion – but there was a small ache that Sara could not ignore. The small ache that was the frustration with fate – why couldn’t she continue to see Jesse as a younger brother? Before she realized, Jesse grew much taller than her, his voice deepened, and Sara began to see him as a man, one who was always so gentle and kind to her.

“I remember you told me back then,” Sara tried to change the topic, “That there was this group of boys you really liked – and that you wanted to stay with so badly. How are they doing?”

“We’re all debuting together, as a group. They’re like my second family.”

“Congratulations, again. I truly mean it, Jesse.”

Sara could tell Jesse was proud, and knowing he had a solid group of friends around him made her happy too. She knew the fact was that Jesse chose the five boys over her, but the reality was that at the age of 19 she too was skeptical of this so-called romance. At that age, they knew of no love greater, but they both recognize that there will be somebody else one day – better and more capable.

Before they knew it, the night grew later and it was soon to be morning. Jesse and Sara both knew that even though this was what remained of their relationship, at least they both reached for the stars with everything they had. Their younger selves made the right decision.

“It’s getting late.” Jesse began to collect his thoughts and emotions. This is why he should have asked her out for coffee instead, “We should get outta here.”

“Yeah, we should go home.” Sara agreed. She didn’t know what she was expecting out of this meeting except catching up with an old friend. She wasn’t sure why she had a slight tinge of disappointment. Unbeknownst to her, Jesse felt the same way.

“Here.” Jesse held his hand out, offering to help her balance as she slid her shoes back on.

“Thanks.” Sara placed her hand in his, and his strong grip helped her balance. She must have been tipsier than she thought.

Sara pulled her hand away after she put her shoes on, but perhaps it was the fluster with Jesse’s gesture that caused her to miss a step at the doorway. She collapsed into him and landed in his arms.

“I’m so sorry – “ She was even more embarrassed now, “And thanks.” Alcohol causes poor decision-making and there she was, staring in his eyes. His eyes were always full of kindness, so gentle and deep.

Caught off-guard as well, Jesse felt his face warm holding her – the same way on that day when he was 14 and saw her in that dress. The air was tense with an awkward excitement and butterflies.

“You okay?” He uttered after a long moment, “Be more careful. You’ll hurt yourself.” He made sure she could stand back up and slowly let go.

“Y-yeah.”

Once they were outside, she hailed a cab to get back to her hotel. Jesse opened the cab door, hat and mask on, “Let me know when you get back, okay?”

Sara nodded, “Thanks for the drinks today.”

Jesse still hovered over the open passenger door of the cab and smiled at her, “I had fun. Let’s keep in touch, okay?” He closed the door and he saw her wave as the car drove away.

He stood there and followed the car with his eyes until it was out of sight. He looked down and kicked the gravel on the road. Jesse bit his bottom lip. His heart wavered.

Sara Kiyomizu still made his heart ache, whether they were 18 or 23. Yet if he could turn back time, he would have still done the same thing.

Jesse thought she would have been married by now. She always said she wanted to be married by 25. He thought he hoped the same.

_There was nothing I could give her then. There is nothing I can give her now._ Jesse scoffed at himself. _My life was better, especially when you were part of it before._


	5. Chapter 5

It was rare that SixTONES got several consecutive days off. For the most part, the boys all treasure their time apart since during busy times they barely had space to breathe without being on top of each other.

This Saturday morning was particularly loud. The night before, Jesse got back home at nearly 4 in the morning after meeting with Sara and made the mistake of not silencing his phone prior to sleeping.

The sun had barely peaked past the horizon when the first text came through in the SixTONES group chat. Apparently Kochi had pre-maturely adopted the retirement lifestyle and was out for a walk at 7 in the morning. It seemed as though his picture in the group chat woke everyone up, but what really piqued everyone’s interest was Juri’s comment afterwards.

_Kochi: Rise and shine, kids!_

_Juri, 30 minutes later: Kochi, some of us get home very late after partying you know? Be more considerate please._

_Hokuto: Wait. Juri – who else was out late last night?_

_Taiga: ^ I want to know too_

_Juri: Our very own Jesse Lewis._

It was approximately fifteen minutes later that Jesse woke up from the string of notifications, and he swore Juri did that on purpose. Groggy and now cranky from having been woken up, Jesse responded to the numerous inquiries on his whereabouts the night before while lying in bed. He explained that he got drinks with his friend from America, who yes, happened to be a female. By now, he was guilty until proven innocent.

Jesse threw his phone at his pillow and decided to ignore everyone until he was in a decent mood to be awake. If only they all knew how much he still wanted to sleep right now, they would not be messing with him. Angry Jesse was a force to be reckoned with.

And the one person who started this all, had the audacity to call him.

Jesse picked up the call and put it on speaker, “What?!” He snarled, annoyed. 

Juri laughed, “So last night didn’t go over well, huh?”

“If I knew…” Jesse mumbled, “If I knew you were a snitch I wouldn’t have asked you. Don’t talk to me.” He sulked and buried his face in his pillow on his bed.

“Woah, woah, woah.” Juri protested, “I didn’t say anything. Also, if you went out with me more it wouldn’t be such big news, you know? Come on, the girls are just _dying_ to meet Jesse Lewis.”

It was no secret that Tanaka Juri had a cohort of friends he always partied with and amongst there are many female friends who accompanied him on many of these social outings. In his generation of juniors, he had quite the reputation of being a smooth talker – so it wasn’t a wonder that girls flocked to him. Yet for some reason he could never talk his band mates into partying with him. He couldn’t imagine the type of popularity they could experience if he could get Jesse Lewis or Matsumura Hokuto to go with him.

“So is this revenge?”

“You can consider it so.” Juri replied.

“Fine you win.”

“Wait so what actu-“ Before Juri could finish his sentence, Jesse hung up on him and continued to sleep.

“Real mature, Jes.” Juri uttered to himself in disbelief that his friend had just hung up on him like that. He shook his head, “Six whole feet of handsome and could not bag one girl. Unbelievable, Jesse.”

By the time Jesse woke up again, it was well past noon and he had promised his mother that he’d go to the shrine to pray after they announced their debut. Within fifteen minutes, he took a shower and threw on an attempt to look decent before heading out.

After visiting the shrine, he saw a familiar person from across the street. The boy was wearing wire framed glasses, a band tee and a pair of loose printed pants. SixTONES’ very own Matsumura Hokuto was visiting the shrine on the same day.

“Hokuuuuuutooooo!” Jesse stretched out every syllable, while waving to Hokuto who was crossing the street, in the most embarrassing way possible.

“Ah! What are you doing here?” Hokuto was surprised at Jesse’s sudden appearance.

“Promised my mom I’d come return my prayers” He explained, “since we’re debuting you know.” Jesse leaned in on Hokuto and whispered the latter in his ears.

“You idiot. We’re allowed to talk about it out loud now.”

Jesse laughed at his own playing dumb, “You’re right.”

The two boys who met by coincident decided that even though it was their day off, they could grab lunch together at the least. Jesse rolled out of bed so fast, he hadn’t gotten a bite to eat. Hokuto suggested a ramen shop down the street, and the two agreed that ramen was in order.

“So…” Hokuto pulled apart the chopsticks and scraped off the splinter wood carefully, “Where’d you go last night?”

His reaction to Hokuto’s inquiry was delayed, “Juri’s such a blabber mouth. I just went to get drinks with my friend.” In Juri’s defense, he was _never_ in his right mind before 8 a.m.

“You mean the one you called when we played truth and dare?”

Jesse nodded as he slurped a mouthful of noodles.

“Just be careful, okay?” Hokuto said off-handedly.

“Hm?” He wasn’t sure he understood what Hokuto meant.

“You like her, right?”

Jesse nearly choked on his mouthful of noodles. Hokuto laughed and took his reaction as a positive yes. Jesse had never heard those words said out loud to himself and Hokuto saying it to him just further confirmed how real his feelings were.

“Please, Hokuto, you and I both know I can’t give her anything…time, promises, future…” Jesse said objectively, “In the grand scheme of things, you guys are more important.” He smiled. Those words were sincere.

Hokuto knew Jesse was right, and he too wouldn’t trade anyone in the world for the five bandmates he was about to debut with. Ten years of hard work cannot boil down to nothing. But he also knew the boy who sat next to him was more than a colleague. Regardless of anything, Hokuto saw Jesse as a dear friend and stripping of his relationship as a colleague, he wanted to give his two cent as a friend only.

“Jes, you know you could tell me to jump off a cliff and I’d do it.” It was an exaggeration, but he wanted to get his point across.

“So I trust you to do the right thing.” It was heartfelt, and he wanted to make sure the other boy understood what he meant, “But please protect yourself and to be honest, I want you to be happy even if it’s short-lived.”

“Hey hey – “ Jesse slapped Hokuto on the arm, “Don’t be so serious! You’re overthinking again.”

Hokuto chuckled and continued to eat. That’s where the two were so different but complemented each other so well. Hokuto always expressed his complex emotions to Jesse brazenly, to which Jesse always gets embarrassed at the sudden confessions.

“But I’m glad you see me as your friend. It’s an honor, Hokuto.” He uttered quietly, head down eating ramen. Moments like these are when Hokuto recognizes Jesse as a mere child.

After finishing lunch, Jesse offered to walk Hokuto home, to which Hokuto refused initially, but eventually agreed. During the walk to Hokuto’s apartment, he learned about the girl who robbed Jesse’s heart. Hokuto learned that Sara was her name and they had been friends for years as kids before catching romantic feelings for each other. At 14, the young pair didn’t know what to do – so they let instinct take charge for a few years when finally at 18 they realized they both had dreams bigger than the other person.

She was Jesse’s first love, and every girl he’s dated since had remnants and shadows of Sara. By the time they reached Hokuto’s apartment, he knew of Sara’s dreams, her fears, and everything great about her. He watched Jesse’s face beam and dim talking about their ups and downs – from the time his heart skipped a beat to how he hoped that one day she will find someone who could love her in the ways he couldn’t.

Hokuto knew. Jesse was doomed – for falling in love so deep. Only Jesse Lewis would give so much of himself without even realizing. Hokuto wish Jesse knew how to guard his heart better because he was not going to walk away from this unscathed.

* * *

Jesse sat on his balcony, legs folded with his guitar on his lap, strumming a slow tune while basking in the afternoon sunlight. His hair was a bright crimson under the sunlight and from time to time he closed his eyes to feel the music. A quiet Jesse looked particularly angelic, in a loose white t-shirt and dark denim.

It was always his core belief that music would never betray, but in this moment he knew it at least was not doing anything to calm him down. He thought about inviting Taiga over, and perhaps they could try to write some music together. But at this rate, the music would only come out frustrated – as he was.

Not long after arriving home, Jesse received his usual call from his mother. She asked if he ate, if he was taking good care of himself, and then told him that the dog and Charlotte misses him and he should visit home soon.

Just as they were getting ready to hang up, his mother suddenly told Jesse that she met Sara recently. His mom had always really liked her, just as Sara’s parents were fond of Jesse. They used to joke that perhaps they ought to switch families.

It turned out that both families weren’t sure why the two kids had suddenly grown apart. She expressed how much of a shame it was that they managed to barely not cross paths each year around Christmas, even though they both visited. She sighed. The two were inseparable as kids.

Jesse remembered when they called it quits in 2014, the young pair made a pact to avoid the Christmas tradition when both families gathered so they didn’t have to face each other. The following year he gave in to his weakness and went anyways – hinging on the hope that perhaps she felt the same. When she didn’t show up, he wasn’t sure why he was disappointed.

That year, he flew back to Japan immediately following Christmas and spent New Year’s Eve with the family dog. He never visited for another Christmas. That night he cried. Sadness poured from his eyes and perhaps that was what heartbreak was meant to feel like. And maybe there is only one crazy, absurd romance at nineteen that he loved Sara so much.

Jesse’s heart took a small plunge when he hung up the call. He had no idea that New York was snowed in two days before Christmas in 2015. Sara _tried_ looking for him. All these years he didn’t know that every year that followed she went back searching for traces of him, despite knowing it was wrong and despite trying to love anyone but him.

At the absurd age of nineteen, they chose a rationality that forced them to move on with their lives and dreams. There they were – five years later – having achieved such dreams, but with a hollow sense of regret despite knowing they would make the same decision if they chose once again.

It felt like dejavu – a cosmic joke the universe played on him. Thirteen whole years, he continued to edge the border of debut, a lick of success and then have everything ripped away.

Like with debut and like with Sara. Just almost there. Barely. He threw his guitar down in frustration and picked up his phone. As much as he hated what he was about to do, he knew and trusted Juri knew. It’s Jesse old habit, really.

“Hey” Jesse picked up his phone and called Juri.

“Done being cranky?” Juri joked.

“Are you going out tonight?” Jesse took his phone with him as he walked to his room. He pulled his shirt off.

“Yeah, I invited you remember?” Juri always invited the boys, even though they never wanted to go. 

Jesse changed into his favorite t-shirt, one more presentable for going out, “I’ll meet you there.” He invited himself.

“Woah. It’s that serious?” From time to time, Jesse Lewis would agree to go out with him, but rare as a blue moon he would ask for it. Juri knew, this was Jesse’s coping mechanism that he was not proud of. It wasn’t very Jesse-like, but he didn’t mind.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“See you.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: R-rated scene in this chapter

The night was young when the group met up at the first bar. The bar was owned by Juri’s acquaintance and there they pre-gamed for the second bar. Despite the second bar being membership only, with the right connections the whole group entered. Besides Juri and Jesse, a few other juniors tagged along. Juri promised to show them the scene.

Like normal youngins their age, the group played a variety of drinking games and it wasn’t long before everyone loosened up enough to go about their own business. A few hit the dance floor and two were making out in the corner of the VIP section.

Juri was a night animal, but despite his reputation he has surprising discipline. His philosophy was to work hard, play hard – but one can never be too careful. He had too much to lose and too much of a history.

Jesse picked up his drink from the bar and took a seat next to Juri on the plush sofa, “Not going to join them?”

“I didn’t screen tonight’s crowd. You don’t know if there’s paparazzi hiding in here.” Juri was as experienced in this scene as one would expect. He took a sip of his old fashioned.

“How are you holding up?” Juri looked over at the other boy. Juri had been observing Jesse all night. It was fascinating how he was doing the most unusual thing with the most usual attitude.

“I’m having fun.” Jesse swirled his glass and the ice in his whiskey clanged against the walls of the glass, “Safely, of course.” He winked at Juri after quoting his exact words.

Juri looked down and smiled at his witty comment, “Funny.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, “You want to go outside with me? I’ll have a quick smoke.”

Jesse nodded and lifted his glass to finish the remainder of his drink. The two boys sifted through the dance floor and out the back door into an alleyway. They both instinctively looked around for anyone, but it was only the two of them in the dimly lit alleyway.

“So,” Juri shook one cigarette out of his half-empty pack and put it to his mouth, “Who broke your heart?” He lit the cigarette and took a small whiff.

“No one.” Jesse dodged the question and kicked the pebbles underneath his foot.

Juri took the cigarette and held it between his long slender fingers, “Come on. You only come out with me once in a blue moon and it is _always_ when you’re heartbroken. Who are you fooling?”

“Sara.” Jesse admitted right away, “It was always her.” He scoffed at himself.

“I knew it. Hokuto called me today.” A small puff emerged from between Juri’s lips, “He said you were getting your heart broken. I didn’t even believe him until just now.”

Juri chuckled, “But I’m glad you came, man.” He playfully punched Jesse’s arm.

“Why is that?” It was Jesse’s turn to question Juri, who had been acting just as strange all night, “Because you’re about to break that poor girl’s heart and you need moral support to do that?”

“Aoko’s a good girl.” Juri admitted, “But we’re debuting. I don’t have time for her.”

“You’re a better man than I thought.” Jesse sarcastically replied.

“We just sleep.” Juri said matter-of-factually, “No strings attached. It’s a fair game.”

He took a long whiff of the tobacco in his hand, “She doesn’t know this. But now that her and I have gotten to this point, I thought to myself – why not just one last time? For old time sakes.”

Jesse almost laughed and tilted his head, “Is that what tonight is about? Are you trying to give me advice here?”

“If that’s what you want to interpret this as.” The pink-haired boy wasn’t sure what he was trying to accomplish either. All he knew was that he doesn’t regret anything he did with Aoko, and he hopes Jesse will not regret either in five, ten, twenty years.

Jesse nodded and looked down, as he was considering Juri’s advice. The truth was that he really didn’t know what was right to do. They missed each other too many times, yet they still crossed paths. Isn’t that fate?

Jesse sighed and turned his attention to Juri’s cigarette, “Can I have a smoke?”

“This?” He pointed and laughed at Jesse, “No – it’ll ruin your beautiful voice.” Juri shook off the ashes from the burning tobacco.

“That’s very sweet of you.” Jesse teased Juri, “Don’t smoke so much, you’ll get lung cancer.” He pulled the cigarette out of Juri’s hand and put it out.

The two boys had been together since they were kids, and despite having entirely different friend groups, they knew each other inside out. There was a mutual respect and a common understanding for growing up in a world that exposed them to the uglies too early. It was only natural that they experienced the pains of being unable to love like a normal person, together.

When the two were back inside the club, Juri scanned the room for the girls and spotted them at the bar. He turned to Jesse, “Aoko’s friend – the one in the black mini-skirt and white laced crop top – she’s really interested in you. She’s pretty hot, no? ”

“Juri, as much as I’d love to hook up I just can’t bring myself to do it” It was true, he had never once successfully taken a girl home.

“It’s just a one-night stand. We’re all adults. These girls don’t expect any more. They just want some fun too.”

Jesse looked over and watched the girls take another round of tequila shots. He tried to imagine himself bringing the girl home. She was easily as pretty as Sara, but she was curvier and all in the right places.

Juri watched Jesse hesitate, “A bro – cannot let go you home alone. Come on, you’re getting laid tonight. I’ll be your wing man.”

He began to drag Jesse along to go fetch the girls and decide the next move, but suddenly remembered something, “Jes you….don’t have any weird kinks right?”

“What?!”

“What I mean is, “ Juri began to clarify, “Last time Kochi came out with me and I was so proud of him for going home with the prettiest girl that night. But he scared her shitless!”

“Oh…the rope…” Jesse suddenly understood.

“Why do you think he needs a steady girlfriend?” It all makes sense.

After fetching the girls, they agreed to get out of here. The two boys led them off the dance floor and exited through the back door.

“Alright ladies,” Juri clapped his hand together, “Hope everyone had fun, but Aoko and I have plans for tonight” He winked and swung his arm around the girl, pulling her close to him.

“Thanks for inviting us!” The brunette girl in the white crop top playfully hit Juri on the chest, “But Ai-chan and I are headed to another party on the other side of town. Heard there are some really cute boys there” She winked back at Juri.

“Woah, woah – so we’re not cute enough for you?” He pretended to be offended.

The brunette looked straight at Jesse, “Only Jesse-kun is.” She gave him a flirty look and an obvious hint that she wanted him to accompany her tonight.

“Okay Jes, we’re headed out. Keep the ladies safe!” Juri winked at Jesse to make a move and walked away with Aoko, arm still around her.

The brunette girl turned to Jesse and scribbled her number on the back of his hand with a pen she stole from the bar, “Call me.” She did the telephone motion and walked to the curb with her friend to catch a cab.

In a split second, it was just Jesse remaining. He walked to the convenience store at the corner of the block to grab a bite. Jesse sat at the seat facing the window, a tuna-mayo onigiri in hand.

“For old times’ sake.” He repeated as he thought about Juri’s words. He wondered what Sara was doing.

Jesse remembered the winter nights he stood underneath her bedroom window, freezing in the chilly Las Vegas night. Like cliché romance movies, he would throw pebbles at her window and she would slip out through her back door with the keys to her parents’ car. They had spot on top of a small hill on the outskirts of town, where all the lights and glam of the brightest city in America were left behind. The stars were brightest there.

“For old times’ sake.” He wasn’t sure why he dialed, but his instinct told him this was what he wouldn’t regret. He couldn’t stop thinking about how many times Sara looked for him over the years.

The call connected, “Hey…hope you weren’t sleeping.”

“Hey Jes. I actually wasn’t. What’s up?” Sara answered.

“Nothing, I just-“

“Wanna come over for a glass of wine? I’m at my parents.” Before Jesse could finish his sentence, Sara beat him to it. Little did he know, she had been wishing he would call.

He agreed.

Jesse pulled his hood down before approaching the apartment building. After double-checking it was Unit 214, he rang the doorbell and patiently waited for a response.

The door unlocked and Sara stood at the doorway. She had a wine glass in one hand and wore an oversized chambray shirt with two misaligned buttons and a pair of boxer shorts. Her hair was tossed up in a messy bun and the wire frames on her face complemented her almond eyes and oval face.

“Come in!” Sara ushered Jesse in and offered him a pair of slippers. He walked in after her and closed the door behind himself.

“My client extended my stay and believe it or not, I actually prefer to stay at my parents. The apartment is a bit old and –“

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Before Sara could finish, Jesse abruptly interrupted. He didn’t know if he’d ever get another chance to confront her about her intentions, “That you looked for me every. single. Christmas. ” Jesse felt the strain in his voice but he couldn’t help himself.

Maybe this was just all an excuse to find some kind of permanent closure.

Sara was surprised, but she also wasn’t sure why she could not resist him, “Jes – Come on. Do we really have to talk about this right now?”

She turned to the counter to set the glass down, still back-facing Jesse, “Would it have made a difference?” Her words felt a bit mocking, a bit broken.

“Yes, it would have.” Jesse felt his emotions taking control. With three steps, he towered over her. He leaned in and pulled her into his embrace from behind, “Then I wouldn’t have spent all these years thinking I meant _nothing_ to you.”

Sara was caught off-guard, but she didn’t resist. His strong arms held her, and nothing felt more right in this moment in time, “Jesse, you mean the _world_ to me.” She said, in a mere whisper, but Jesse heard it loud and clear.

“I know, I knew it. Me too.” Jesse spun her around and the two succumbed to the tension that threatened to break. Sara threw her arms around Jesse’s neck and she stood on her tip toes as she hugged him back, tightly. He wished he knew how to take in every inch of her: her jasmine fragrance, her sweet smile, her beautiful eyes.

Their eyes locked when they pulled apart and Jesse leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, “Do you remember what I asked you five years ago?”

“What?”

“You asked if we will ever regret not being hot-headed 18-year-olds.”

“Do you?”

“Not when we can be hot-headed 24-year-olds.”

They both knew if they took one second to instill an ounce of rationality, perhaps they would not be doing this. But they could not afford to let this moment slip through their fingers once again.

Jesse leaned in, and surprisingly Sara ducked away out of instinct. A split second of reality hit her. She ran hand into her hair, back against the wall, “Jesse…”

Jesse slowly inched closer to Sara, until his body nearly pressed against hers and she could feel his breath on her, “All these years – I waited for someone to love you in the ways I couldn’t. How could you come to me like this?” He was sincere and she reciprocated the same sentiment.

She felt as though nothing else mattered in this fleeting second, “I’m sorry.” Sara uttered.

When she looked up, she met his eyes. They were gentle, asking for permission. Jesse’s arms caged her in and she felt her last line of defense crumble, “Let’s forget about everything.” It was so ridiculous, but so right. She tip-toed and kissed him on the lips.

With those small words, Jesse swooped in, pinning the girl in front of him against the wall and kissed her lips back, softly and slowly at first.

He paused for a split second, “I’ve always wondered what they would taste like.”

His whisper and warm breath on her skin made her nerves tingle. He went back in and poured all of his love into the kiss, all the years of unrequited love. He hasn’t felt more alive in a long time. Somewhere deep inside – they both knew that they would be damned after this. But it was them against the world in this second.

His kiss made her fingers curl, as they ran up and down his muscular back under Jesse’s t-shirt. She slowly felt her way to the front, his chest, his abs. Soon enough Jesse pulled his shirt off in one swift motion. His bare top was against hers, and all they felt was the blood rushing, breathless pants, and a warmth that made them desire each other more than ever.

Jesse’s hand was quick but gentle – her two buttons were undone in a flash and her oversized shirt fell to the floor. They moved away from the wall, still entangled within each other, their breaths restless. Sara felt herself bump up against her kitchen counter and bent backwards as he leaned in to kiss her harder. Panting, he pulled away for one split second and lifted her. Sitting on the counter-top, she was finally closer to eye level with Jesse. She smiled and caressed his chin up and initiated another round of kissing. They wanted to take things slow, but the flame burned so passionately.

His large hand was against her tiny waist and then up her bare back. Jesse attempted to unhook her bra, only to find out she wasn’t wearing one. _Sara, you sly cat._

As if unwilling to split for even a moment, Jesse picked Sara up once again and carried her to the bed. She fell onto the soft mattress and he was on all fours on top of her, the gold penchant on his necklace dangled over her. Jesse looked at her and smirked, like she was a prey within his grasp.

He put his lips to hers and then grazed towards her ears and down to her neck. She gasped for breath and her fingers dug into the skin on his back. Her chest was bare, smooth and plump when she slid her tank top off. He grabbed them and with a small squeeze, Sara shut her eyes and let out a soft moan.

When she opened her eyes again, she pushed Jesse who was on top of her to the side and climbed on top of him. Like a feral cat, she put her tongue to his chest. She felt his muscles clench in bliss as her tongue moved down his long slender body. Her fingers danced to his belt buckle and undid it. The belt slid out of the loops and onto the floor and soon the pants joined.

She sat back up on the lower half of his body and swayed in small strokes up and down. Jesse felt the blood rush downwards, and he lets out a low growl. Her mouth curved into a small smile and she slid off the remainder of what he had on. She held the hard, warm flesh in her palms and stroked it slowly. His moans were deep, as if this was the only thing in the world that could fill him up.

Every fleeting moment that went by was precious and right now they could only spell out their love with their bodies, with every thrust and every ecstatic touch.

“Jes…Jesse…” Her breathless voice whispered his name, while she sat front facing on his lap with all of him inside of her. She moved her hips in quick but deep strokes. It was a sweet serenade to his ears and Jesse leaned in and engulfed her in another deep kiss while she moved her hips. He bit her lip softly and uttered her name between breaths.

“Fuck.” The words rolled off her lips in ecstasy as she threw her head back as the pleasure pulsated throughout her body. Seeing Sara climaxing only made Jesse go faster and her moans grew louder, until they both reached climax.

When it ended after what felt like an eternity, both Sara and Jesse came to terms that perhaps this was the only and easiest way to destroy the feelings they knew shouldn’t have been.

There’s no turning back now, and it left sore aches in their hearts when they were reminded of the harsh reality, but the night of sweet memories was invaluable and perhaps it was all worth it in the end.

Clad in Jesse’s t-shirt, Sara laid in Jesse’s arms – her head against his bare chest. She could hear his heartbeat, and she felt more alive than ever – yet they sat in silence basking in each others’ existences.

Sara looked up at Jesse’s face and her hand caressed his face, like she was about to lose him in any second, “Why is it that we experience the deepest love and the greatest sorrows, all at once?”

Jesse wore a bitter smile. He put his hand over hers, “Because we won’t know one without the other.”

“Nothing has changed, huh?” Sara drew small circles on his chest with her finger. She’s always had a habit of drawing circles when she’s trying to suppress her sadness.

Jesse gave her a small peck on her forehead, “Nothing’s changed.” He confirmed, “We still can’t give each other an ounce of ourselves without sacrificing our dreams.” It was a painfully hollow realization, no matter how many more times they said it out loud.

“But Jesse, when I say I love you, I mean it and I mean it so badly.” Sara knew she might not get another chance to say this to him.

“I know,” Jesse hugged her tighter. How much longer could she remain in his embrace?

“I love you too.” He whispered in her ears. _And as long as you’re next to me, I’m not afraid._

“And I wish I could give you the world, Sara.” His voice was filled with a helpless regret. One day, maybe he will lament her as the one who got away.

“We did our best.” _I will always remember tonight_. She will remember the beat of his heart, the touch of his skin against hers. And it will be their little secret because who didn’t fall in love when they were sixteen – dumb and naïve.

As the night grew later, Jesse found Sara fast asleep snuggled against him. She looked extra small wearing Jesse’s t-shirt as a night gown and even though she was older than him, he always felt like he couldn’t allow anyone in the world to hurt her.

Yet he knew he did exactly that. He brushed a lock of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. On the day she wore the blue satin dress, Jesse would have never imagined she would be laying in his arms in his t-shirt, peacefully sleeping.

He wished he could preserve this moment forever, but Jesse knew he couldn’t stay and at daylight he would have to leave Sara. He knew the future between them was bleak. He told himself this, over and over, so much that he has grown numb to the emotions associated with the possibility of never seeing her again.

After catching a small snooze, the sun began to peek above the horizon when Jesse woke up. He carefully withdrew his arm from under Sara. She tossed and then curled up under the blanket after Jesse tucked her back in. He tip-toed to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Unsurprisingly, he found a box of pancake mix – a staple in the Kiyomizu household. Sara grew up on her mother’s perfectly fluffed pancakes, something that Jesse secretly learned one winter in efforts to impress her one day.

Jesse would have never guessed today would be the day, as he waited for the pancakes to fluff perfectly. Maybe this was the ending that fate had in store for them all along.

It was inevitable, he thought, because who didn’t fall in love at sixteen thinking they were never going to love again. Only fate got in the way and there was no chance of redemption. Jesse finished his coffee and carefully covered the breakfast he made for Sara on her kitchen table.

He walked back to her bedroom and crouched down beside her bed. Jesse didn’t know why he still felt a hint of heartache. It was bitter, like the aftertaste of his coffee. A tear rolled down his cheek. He gave Sara a light kiss on the cheek and wiped away his tear.

He left his favorite t-shirt, her favorite pancakes, and a fragment of himself with her.

_Before I’m someone you leave behind, I’ll break your heart so you don’t break mine._


End file.
